Fade to Black

They happen in an instant,
anxiety and panic are imminent.
Can't breathe, fading to black,
a fine life under attack.
To feel the fear of death,
struggling to take a healthy breath.
The worst of them come while driving,
in my car, having trouble surviving.
I open my windows and try to get air,
my fingers rubbing my neck and stroking my hair.
It worsens, blacking out has begun,
I pull over, a healthy breath, none.
I know whats happening, can't control it,
Klonopin is my only travel kit.
Pop a pill or two and it goes away,
the longest twenty minutes, I must say.
Waiting in agony, the struggle is brutal,
all attempts to remain calm are futile.
The pill kicks in and begins its work,
a sense of calmness, my only perk.
I make it home and go to bed,
all the suffering has left my head.
I close my eyes and feel relieved,
back to normal I do believe.
The wonder pill has put me to sleep,
dreams of counting all black sheep.
My mental state in depression,
when will I learn this valuable lesson?
I wouldn't wish these upon my enemy,
are prescription drugs my only remedy?
People say, it's all in your head,
until you have one, you'll take back what you said.

Almost to Zen

Almost always, anytime, anywhere, an adult ale,
Blackouts, burned between beauty beneath,
Careless curiosities could capture calmness,
Does drinking do disastrous damage,
Every evening, even eleven,
Flavorful freshness, forgot forgiveness,
Granted goodness, godly gross gatherings,
Honestly, having hours, hours, hours hopelessness,
Immediate imagination imminently irrational,
Joking jabberwock, jacent jaculation,
Kyle killed Karl, kava, kerosine,
Lavishing lagers linger late,
Mimicking major misuses, morals move morbidly,
Need not, nor never needed,
Open others obituaries, obviously outlandish,
Poor, provocative projections, pleasing pions,
Quickly quackle, qually quadragenarian,
Reversed recycling, recognize redemption, reconciliation,
Sometime soon, shall see some sun,
Trying temptations, teetering togetherness,
Under, ultimately unilateral, unbelievable,
Vivid valuations, very voluptuous,
Wanting wonderful wishes when wondering world,
Xanthic xanthodont,xenogenous xenial,
Yellowish youthfulness, yet yapness yantra,
Zagging zones, zenzizenzizenzic, zeroing zen.

Awakening

Rock bottom, some would say,
Loaded with fear, hopelessness and dismay.

Their negativity brings no peace,
Hope, a word, they believe is deceased.

No light at the end of their tunnel,
Dark clouds swirling in a funnel.

Why me? They may ask,
Then return, back to their flask.

The never ending cycle of their life,
Cutting them slowly with their dull knife.

They want to stop but don't know how,
Making excuses is not allowed.

Yet, they find a way to go back,
Back to the misery, sadness intact.

How deep will they dig their hole?
A lifelong journey without a goal.

Wake the fuck up, see there is light.
A light of Hope, but you need to fight.

The pain and misery will go away,
Surround yourself with positivity every day.

You will fall, and fail you may,
Don't give up, that's all I can say.

So get on your feet, your day has begun,
Fight your battle and soon it will be won.

You have one life to live with many decisions,
Think before you act, with clear precision.

One day at a time, you will learn,
Your pain and misery will begin to burn.

Love yourself, stay true to others,
Share your love and dreams with another.

You have support, people who care,
Seek them out and start to share.

Your future is bright and full of love,
Spread your wings and sore as a dove.

Rock bottom, I think it's not,
It's an Awakening. Give it a shot.

Dear Alcohol,

I am a winner, I am strong.
You've won some battles, but I'll fight you long.

I once thought that you were great,
now it is you, that I truly hate.

I've come along way in this short period of time,
My mind is clear, my vision has climbed.

I do not regret befriending you,
it has inspired me and others to make ourselves new.

I'm leaving you forever, I have no other choice,
I hope you can hear me for now I have my voice.

I am saying it loudly, I'm saying it clear,
I know you can see, that I have no fear.

I am a fighter, always have and always will be,
I will fight you daily and soon it will be easy.

I will struggle and I will fall,
but you won't be there when I call.

You thought you had me in your clench,
maybe you did, you dirty wrench.

Well, I have woken and I have risen,
You no longer have the key to my prison.

I am free and I am alive,
Without you, I'll truly strive.

Today is great, my future bright,
I've flipped the switch and can see the light.

So in this game called life,
I have left you behind and will focus on my wife.

I love her deeply, I need to show,
you are gone forever, and she will know.

She is my everything, through and through,
Now go on, I am so done with you.

Inspirational Quotes

“To sober up seems to many like making life “so serious,” as if seriousness precluded joy, warmth, spontaneity and fun. But there can be a delusional, blind quality to non-sober festivities. To have our eyes open soberly with all our senses and memory intact allows some of the most rewarding, soul-nourishing, and long-lasting pleasures possible.”
― Alexandra Katehakis, Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence



“Hit the bottom and get back up; or hit the bottle and stay down.”
― Anthony Liccione



“Sometimes…
Sometimes doubt is the opposite of faith, but sometimes doubt can be a pathway to faith.
Sometimes weakness is the opposite of strength, but sometimes weakness can be the pathway to strength.
Sometimes addiction is the opposite of sobriety, but sometimes addiction can be the pathway to sobriety.
Sometimes infidelity is the opposite of fidelity, but sometimes infidelity can be a pathway to fidelity.
Sometimes failure is the opposite of success, but sometimes failure can be the pathway to success.”
― David W. Jones, Enough: and Other Magic Words to Transform Your Life




“Be grateful. These feelings, no matter how painful, are part of
living. Today, we are alive—not anesthetized, not sedated, not passed
out. Take control of your feelings and through action you can change.
Today, as every day of sober living, we have a choice.”
― Ann D. Clark, Women & Recovery: Sex, Sobriety & Stepping Up: Practical Suggestions for Quality Living in Recovery




“achieving true sobriety goes beyond abstinence. it's also about healing your soul, apologizing for damage you did to other, and seeking forgiveness.”
― Lou Gramm, Juke Box Hero: My Five Decades in Rock 'n' Roll

I am an Alcoholic. Part I (1975-2003)

I am an alcoholic. Those four words are truly easy to admit today. It's been 49 days since my last drink and I haven't felt this good in 15 years. My body, mind and soul have a rejuvenation words can not do justice. I have been through so many ups and downs the last 15-20 years but alcohol was always the one constant in my life since I was about 19 years old. I am 39 now and as I look back on those years, I do so not with regret but more of reflection and understanding of how alcohol has affected my well being, my body, my mind, my vision, my goals, and most importantly, my relationships with family, friends and loved ones. My family has been an incredible support system for me my entire life. Without them, I may not be here today to tell you all my story.

I am an alcoholic. My life before alcohol was full of competitive sports, outdoor activities, learning, passion, laughing, family, friends and so many positive and productive ideas and concepts. I ran a mile in 4:46. I was always Captain of my teams. Teammates looked at me as a role model on and off the field. I once scored 8 goals in a hockey game. I've pitched a no hitter. I've won state championships and I have so many athletic achievement awards and trophies it would take an hour to count. I was a great student in the classroom, maintaining a 3.4 GPA throughout high school while also being a 4 year, three sport varsity captain. I had so many goals involving my future, graduate college, start a career, fall in love, get married and start a family of my own. I wanted to be the best father and role model any child could ever have. I wanted to continue my passion for sports and teach my children all about what it means to be a role model on and off the playing field. I wanted to be the best.

I am an alcoholic. My first time drinking alcohol was in 1989, I was 14 years old. I got so drunk my friends put me to bed with a bucket next to me. I puked all night. I had the spins all night. My friends mom was picking me up the next morning at 6:00am for a 7:00am hockey game. That was the first hangover I ever had. It was bad, but somehow I managed to get up and go. It was not fun. After that I swore I wouldn't drink ever again. I didn't drink again until my junior year. I was at a party where all the "cool kids" were drinking. I had to be "cool". I drank, my hockey coach found out and suspended me for a game. I was devastated. It was the first time I had let my family down.

I am an alcoholic. After high scool I went off to college. I was recruited by a few schools for soccer and hockey. My goals remained the same and I was in the best shape of my life. My future was as bright as can be. Living on my own at 18 was great. I met so many new friends and teammates. I played soccer for Umass-Lowell and started as a freshman. It was an incredible experience and I knew I was going to love college and my next step in my life. This is also where I rediscovered alcohol. I was living on my own, didn't have a curfew, and didn't have to "check in" with my parents or coaches. There was a party somewhere 7 nights a week. I started drinking more and more. At the time it did not affect me, my family, my friends or my playing abilities. It did however, affect my grades. I stopped going to classes. I failed tests. I failed courses. This had never happened to me before. I had almost perfect attendance throughout elementary, middle and high school. I always got good grades. Looking back now, this was the first time alcohol had taken control of my life and the negative affects were just beginning.

I am an alcoholic. I have a competitive and addictive personality. I always have and most likely always will. If I enjoyed something, whether it was sports or partying, I did it. I did it a lot. I never did anything half ass either. If I was playing a sport I was going to be the best one on the field. If I was going to a party, I was going to be the best person at the party. I played hard and partied harder. At the time, I was the life of the party. I didn't get into fights or arguments. I just got drunk and fired up. It was fun. I made people laugh. Looking back now, were they laughing with me or at me? Probably a bit of both, I guess. I was also very good at peer pressuring others to party. Why? Maybe I needed a drinking buddy, maybe it was my competitive nature to win over others. Maybe it was my addictive personality, addicted to booze but if I could get others to drink with me then it was cool and not a problem. This was the very beginning of a problem that became my downward spiral for the last 20 years. I was becoming an alcoholic and didn't even know it.

I am an alcoholic. After my 3rd semester at Umass-Lowell I had decided it wasn't the school for me. At the time my reasons were: I don't like the city, I don't like my coach, I don't like the school and that I needed a change. Looking back on it today, I really didn't like myself or who I was becoming. I transferred to a local community college and lived at home with my parents. It was great. I had a curfew, I had to check in and I had to go to classes. I ended up getting my Associates Degree and graduated with a 3.6 GPA. I was back! I was playing in a mens hockey league and getting good grades again. My good grades got me into Umass-Amherst. I decided I wanted to study Sport Management and eventually get a career in professional or college athletics. I was there for 2 1/2 years and met some really great friends. I am still good friends with many of them today. However, in those years at Umass-Amherst my drinking and partying were beyond control. I got into fights. I had arguments. I stopped going to classes. I cheated on exams. I got arrested. What was happening to me? At the time, nothing, just having fun. Eventually, I did graduate with a Bachelors in Sport Management, barely. I was an alcoholic and I didn't even know it.

I am an alcoholic. I went on a ski trip to Jackson, WY a month after I graduated Umass-Amherst. I fell in love. The mountains, the skiing, the people and the way of life in the west. I needed a change. I decided to move to Jackson and start my fresh new life. I felt great. I started meeting a ton of great people, got a job, and was playing in a highly competitive hockey league. Little did I know at the time, it did not matter where I lived, who my friends were or how "great" I felt, I was an alcoholic. That said, I found the bars. I found the parties. I surrounded myself around those with the same problem I had. Nothing changed. I drank almost 7 nights a week. I stopped skiing as much as I wanted to. I played hockey hungover. I went to work hungover. How do I get rid of this hangover? More booze of course! And so the downward spiral continued to get deeper and darker. I had a huge verbal argument with my girlfriend at the time. We were both drunk. The last thing I remember was getting smashed in the face with my own hockey stick and she ran off to a friends house. I never hit her or even thought of it. I have never and will ever hit a woman. Just because I am an alcoholic does not mean I wasn't raised properly. Anyway, the next morning I made a decision to "quit" drinking. I had noticed the affects on me, my family, friends and loved ones. I hated it. This was the first time I believed I may be an alcoholic. So I quit. I bought my first business. I was successful. I was making great money and was loving life. I didn't have a sip for 16 months, and then I did. The saga would continue.

I am an alcoholic. I began drinking again. This time around I made rules: No liquor, low quantities and not as often. I was doing really well with it. I had it under control. My relationship with my girlfriend went sour and I could probably write a book about the ending. I'll just say that is was a very unhealthy relationship. I broke up with her and decided to live at my cottage in NH for the summer. It was 2002. I needed a change. I needed my support system, my family. It was great. I lived on a lake with my brother, his friend and my parents for the summer. It was just what I needed. A new beginning. A fresh outlook on life. I drank that summer but I definitely didn't get to the point of where I had been in Jackson and Umass- Amherst. The summer ended and I had to make some decisions. Where was I going? Well, my brother was moving back to Salt Lake City and I had a bar management position lined up in Jackson, WY. My brother said, "You should move to Salt Lake with me." I thought and thought and thought. Finally, I said I was 50/50 on Salt Lake or Jackson, so I flipped a coin. It landed on tails so I moved to Salt Lake in the fall of 2002. I was refreshed and ready for my new life.

I am an alcoholic. Salt Lake was awesome! I got a job, got my own place and was living close to my brother. We went skiing a ton. We hung out all the time. He was (and always will be) a positive influence in my life. He is 5 years younger than me. He always looked up to me. I was his role model when I was in high school. He wanted to be like me. Now here I was, 27 years old and my 22 year old brother was my role model and I wanted to be like him. He didn't have a drinking problem. He had a career. He had vision. He had goals. He knew what he wanted. I wanted that. Although we hung out a lot and skied and golfed together, I was able to find the bars. I was able to find new friends. I was able to find a drinking buddy any night of the week. I was drunk, again....

I am an alcoholic. After a couple years of meeting new friends and hitting the bars in Salt Lake I was able to purchase a restaurant. It was May 2004. My parents and both my brothers were living in Utah and life was great. I worked extremely hard getting my new venture up and running. None of this could have been possible without the help of my parents. Not only did they help support me financially in the business, they supported me by always being there and working at the restaurant. My mom was the prep cook and infamous salad maker and my dad was the best delivery driver in the world. They both worked for very little to no pay for quite some time. It meant the world to me to have them in my corner. My drinking had diminished to a few beers and catching a Sox game after work with a very close friend of mine. We had a cool routine of meeting up at a local sports pub to catch the games and have a few beers. My job was my main focus and did not stay out late every night. It was a cafe in an industrial park so my hours of operation were great, Mon-Fri 11am-4pm. I was off nights and weekends. I could work hard during the week and party hard on the weekends. It was great. I was a fully functioning alcoholic.

I am an alcoholic. It was July 28th, 2004. I was at a local watering hole after work catching the Red Sox game. I was planning on leaving during the game because they were getting crushed and it was a work night. I was just about to leave the bar when my good friends girlfriend walked in. She had brought along a few co-workers to have a couple drinks after work. Being the social butterfly that I was, I decided to stop over and say hi. It was the best decision of my life. It was kind of funny because we were all sitting in a horseshoe type booth and I was on the end. Next to me was a girl I had just met. She was cute. We chatted for a while and had a few beers. She needed to go to the bathroom so I let her out and scooted into the booth a bit next to another girl I just met. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She was sitting right next to me. Her eyes were absolutely stunning. Her name was Kelli. She and I talked for a while and eventually it was time to leave. I asked her for her number. She gave it to me! We said our goodbyes and went on our way. I walked home with the biggest smile on face. The next day was a Saturday. I woke up and all I could think about was this girl I had met the night before. I was hanging with my friend and I told him I was going to call her that day. I know, I know, the rules say to wait a day or two to call. I couldn't wait. I called her that day. It was literally 12 hours after meeting her! We spoke over the phone and both thought it would be great to see each other again. We planned a date, dinner and a movie. Honestly, I was not "looking" for a girlfriend. I really enjoyed the single life but there something special about this girl. We went on our date and talked and talked and talked. She was so easy to talk too. Her smile lit up a room. She was special and I knew it right away. After our date, we made plans to go golfing and get sushi and beers. Wait, this girl golfs? She likes sushi and beer? Am I dreaming? I wasn't dreaming. I was completely falling head over heels for her. After our second date, I called my mom. I told her I had met the girl I was going to marry. I was an alcoholic completely falling in love with the most beautiful and coolest girl on the planet.

I am an alcoholic. Kelli and I hung out almost every single day or night. We were completely falling for each other. She knew more about me in three days than anyone else had really ever known about me. I wasn't scared to tell her things I had done in the past. I left absolutely no skeletons in the closet. She did the same. It was so invigorating. We both didn't care what we had done prior to meeting. We were both like, "that's cool, want to grab a beer?" It was so easy to talk to her. I stayed at her place almost every night for next month or two. I never thought I could fall in love with someone so fast. We started planning our future with in a couple months of dating! We were together two months and decided to rent an apartment together. We signed a six month lease and life had never been better. We were both so happy to see each other after work and spend time with each other. It was the best of the best of times. After our lease was up in April 2005, we went house shopping! We found a cute little "fixer upper" in a great neighborhood. When we walked through the house we both saw how this was going to be our home. Eight months after sliding into the booth next her at the bar I wasn't supposed to be at, we were homeowners. It's so strange how things happen, and how we meet people. Kelli and I were meant to be together. I am not a religious person but I truly believe in positive and negative energies. Things happen for a reason. I am so glad that girl (who, by the way, was Kelli's roommate at the time) had to pee. If she hadn't, would I had got Kelli's number? It's just crazy to think about. Also, remember earlier in the blog the only reason I was living in SLC was the coin flip in NH. If the coin had landed on heads I never would have met her. I was the happiest, luckiest and most in love alcoholic on the planet!

I am an alcoholic. (To be continued)...